Why the Elf on the Shelf is Evil and Must be Destroyed!
Have you heard of this crazy Elf on the Shelf thing? What fool started this nonsense? You get this creepy looking elf doll thing and tell your kids this scary little imp is watching and reporting everything they do to Santa. As if Santa and his Naughty or Nice List weren’t enough.
AUDIO VERSION by PAUL WALTERS:
Just to give the illusion to the kiddos this thing is alive and active at night, like some crazed hamster that sleeps all day long hidden under bedding and spends the entire night grinding away on his wheel, you move the elf around the house after the kids are all fast asleep. And the elf can’t be nice and be helpful.
No this cretin gets into mischief, destroying things, unrolling the toilet paper, scattering flour all over the kitchen counter, leaving their tiny elf footprints in the mess. And who do you think will be cleaning that mess up? The kids? Right, because at my house with three sons I can’t walk ten feet without finding another abandoned sock randomly laying on the floor. And why don’t I just remind the kids to clean up their socks? You think my wife and I have not tried that? Are you kidding me? And now we are supposed to trash our house to make it look like some evil elf is active in the house at night and then we have to clean it up as well???
This is madness.
And have you seen one of these evil little beasts? To say these elf things are creepy does not do their evil grins justice. As someone who is still wigged out by clowns I can’t imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find the Elf on the Shelf sitting on my night stand staring at me. I would not sleep for the next week. Children probably come screaming into their parents’ rooms in the middle of the night, as if I don’t have enough trouble getting a good night’s sleep as it is.
But it gets worse. So you tell the kids that Santa is real and he has the naughty or nice list. The beauty of course, is this suggestion provides great leverage for parents trying to keep their kids in check in the mad rush towards Christmas. No need to tell the kids it is an empty threat. I cannot imagine a parent actually returning gifts to the store. But never mind. Back to the elf. Then you raise the stakes and give the kids this real looking thing to see and feel and touch. You trash the house a couple times, move the elf every night and next thing you know the kids, the ones who love you and trust you, are starting to believe this elf is really alive and tracking their every move.
You are better parents than that.
Now let’s talk to the kids about someone else, say Jesus. Can you show them a picture of Jesus? Not really. Can you see him or feel him or touch him like the elf? Nope. I would guess for plenty of kids Jesus is far less real to them than that creepy elf. So what happens when they discover the elf is a fraud, a fake, a phoney? If they can’t trust you about the elf that seemed so real, how will they trust you about Jesus?
I believe you want to be a better parent than that. I also trust you want your kids to have the gift of a faith that will sustain them when really truly bad things happen in their lives, because you don’t live long in this life without some pain. There must be a better way.
So tell the kids the truth. Santa was inspired by St. Nicholas, a pastor of the early church who gave gifts to children. Sure you can give gifts from Santa, but tell the truth: We are Santa to each other. And remind them of this as well: We give gifts to each other as a way of celebrating the greatest gift of all, the gift of Jesus.
If you bought an elf, don’t return the evil thing. Throw it is the garbage where it belongs. Teach your children about the love of God, not the fear of some crazed evil elf and his coconspirator, Santa Claus.
Paul Walters is the pastor of Lutheran Church of the Master in Troy, Michigan, and Senior Spiritual Editor for Life & Liberty.
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